On June 25, 2014 we shared the post on our Horse 'O Peace Ranch Facebook page: "The Horse 'O Peace Ranch family is expanding! Baby #4 will make it's debut in March of 2015.
Pink or blue? Only time will tell. Baby #4 is giving us more. More to love, more to dream, more to find meaning in life's grand scheme."

Unfortunately, on July 18, 2014 I had a miscarriage. 

This was our first experience with a miscarriage. I had signs of the miscarriage for two days before it happened (some light spotting). I talked to my sister-in-law, who'd experienced 2 miscarriages, questioning what I should watch for and expect. I also talked to my midwife and asked her the same questions, also to see if there was anything I could do to prevent it from happening. My midwife told me what I needed to know and suggested I call a nearby birth center to see if they could do anything more for me. 

Since I was only 5 weeks along, I was told by the nurse at the birth center that they couldn't do an ultrasound to check on the baby. They wouldn't even see it's heartbeat yet. The only thing that could be done was to take a blood sample to check my hCG levels. This is what the American Pregnancy Association website has to say about hCG and it's purpose:

"The hormone human chorionic gonadotropin (better known as hCG) is produced during pregnancy. It is made by cells that form the placenta, which nourishes the egg after it has been fertilized and becomes attached to the uterine wall. Levels can first be detected by a blood test about 11 days after conception and about 12 – 14 days after conception by a urine test. In general the hCG levels will double every 72 hours. The level will reach its peak in the first 8 – 11 weeks of pregnancy and then will decline and level off for the remainder of the pregnancy."

The purpose of checking my hCG level would be to see how much I had in my blood, and then a repeat test would then be taken 48 hours later. The hCG levels from the two tests would then be compared. If the pregnancy was still viable, then the levels would be the same or higher than the first test. And if the hCG level was lower, then it would mean the pregnancy was naturally terminated.

We decided to not do the blood test, and to simply wait and see what happened. Nobody could help the baby, or stop a miscarriage from happening. In the meantime, I posted this picture on my personal Facebook page. It is an herbal tincture that I've used in my previous pregnancies to calm my uterus when I had frequent contractions, and that I'd heard could help prevent a miscarriage. I didn't want to simply do nothing. I wanted to do something that made me feel like I was fighting for our baby.

But, despite my efforts and the head knowledge I had gained in the process, we lost our baby. 

In the few days before the miscarriage, and even on the day it happened, Nick and I were sad, but not devastated. We are both logical thinkers, and we consoled each other that it was just something that happens to a lot of women early in pregnancy. Plus, our arms are already full with our three boys that bring us so much joy, so we had a lot to be thankful for. 

But, the day after the miscarriage, "The Cloud" settled in. We talked about what we were feeling. Both of us felt like our hearts had a crack in them. We were suddenly lost. The sadness was heavy. 

Learning you've lost a child is painful. Our pain, I know, is nothing compared to parents who lose a child after they are born, or from diseases, or kidnappings, or who are never able to bear children, or whatever other horrendous causes you can come up with. 

But to us, it is still pain. Though our arms are full with our three wonderful sons, they, or any other future children we might have, will never replace the baby that we lost this week. It is something we will always remember. 

Neither Nick or I know how to conduct ourselves during this time. Grief does that to you. In a way, it gives us the liberty to act however we need to to heal. I haven't shed more than a few tears, but that isn't to say that tomorrow I won't. Today we were both so sad that we stayed in bed until 11a.m., only getting up to help the boys with diaper changes, food, naptimes, putting a movie on to distract them, and finding comfort in each others arms while talking about what was on our minds and in our hearts. 

So far, our friends and family have reached out to us, mostly through Facebook, to share our pain and to tell us of their experiences. That has been a wonderful comfort. So many women I personally know, have miscarried, had a stillbirth, or have lost a child through other circumstances. I have found comfort in their stories of their own experiences, and that they know how I feel. 

I don't feel like talking to anyone on the phone. I've had more than one phone call today that I've sent to voicemail. It's not that I don't want to know our friends and family are thinking of us. I just don't want to be with, or talk to, anyone other than my immediate family, at least for today. Give me a few days, and I'll be ready again. And until then, please understand I'm not trying to be rude. I'm just working through my grief. 

I want to give myself time to work through the full range of emotions from losing our baby. While some women are comforted by getting pregnant as soon as they are able from a miscarriage, I feel that I would only be using another pregnancy to mask my emotions and not dealing with my grief. I'm not trying to step on any toes here, just voicing what I feel would be the case with me.   

Please be patient with us. We'll get better as time goes on.

We are glad for every life that is put in our care, and this baby was no exception. We are better people, because they were in our life. Our baby will forever be carried in our hearts. Always loved, just like our other children. It was a joy to carry them, even for a few short weeks. They are deeply missed.

Please feel free to share your story of loss with us. We are encouraged by others understanding how this has changed our lives. Thank you for your condolences and words of comfort.